I no longer consider myself a member of the Christian faith.
There. I said it.
Finally.
It's been a whirlwind of a journey to this place, with a lot of personal challenges and grieving the loss of my image of myself on the way. Little bits of what I would call my "fundamentalist Christian beliefs" have been changing for a while. Bits of things that just didn't make sense to me anymore. Eventually, it became impossible for me to reconcile the small-minded hatefulness for "other" that I continued to see displayed by the Christian church with the loving Creator that I know. And it was that hatefulness that caused me to seriously start questioning other aspects of my faith.
For a while, I grasped tightly to at least the basics of what I'd been taught:
- God created the Universe
- The Bible was God's Word
- Jesus was God's Son who came to earth as a sacrifice for the sins of the world
- If one didn't acknowledge this gift and receive it (changing one's life in the process), that person would spend eternity in hell being punished for their lack of faith
I still believe that some form of Divinity is here in the Universe. "Here" meaning all around us and in us. But I can no longer believe the idea that a loving God would send people to hell simply because they picked the wrong name to call Him, or worshipped Him the wrong way, or didn't believe that Jesus was His Son.
A few months after I rejected the ideas of hell and the need for a savior, I was talking to God as I had always previously done (as a Christian). It had been a while, because I was struggling with trying to figure out what I believed and what that meant. At first, I thought that since I wasn't a Christian anymore, maybe I shouldn't try to talk to Him the same way. But then I just reached out the way I had always done. And my questions were, "What now? How do I talk with you? Do I need to make changes in the way I pray? What does all this change mean?"
Now, when I say "pray" what I really mean is "have a conversation" with God. We've always had a pretty informal relationship. I never felt that I needed to kneel or close my eyes to talk with God. He was always just "there" whenever I reached out, even from my earliest memories.
I really wasn't sure what to do now. Everything had changed - my whole view of the Universe. So I asked, "How do we do this now that everything has changed?" And waited. Very clearly, the Voice that has always been God to me responded, "I haven't changed at all. Only your understanding of me has changed." And behind those words was the most peaceful feeling, and a smile. My mind was blown.
God hadn't changed at all! And He hadn't refused me entrance or chastised me in any way. At that point I finally felt like I understood. Whether I choose to call Him "Divine Spirit", "the Universe", "Krishna", or "Allah" - the Creator is still the same.
The Truth is One; the wise call it by many names. ~the VedasI now believe that we all are seeking God, we just learn (or choose) to worship in many different ways. I still believe that Jesus had an understanding of the Universe that few people (if any) in history had. Maybe Buddha did too. Maybe the Dalai Lama does. I'm not really sure about that part. But I think we can all learn much from Jesus and the many other wise men that have gone before us and are with us now.
All my life I have sought an understanding of God and a relationship with God, and that search has brought me here - to love. I choose love.
Beautiful post. For me prayer is a practice I do to quiet my mind... the "ordinary" conversations of lack, fear, stress, worry... so that I can hear the still small voice of Spirit reminding who I am, that I am all and have all I need because Spirit and I are woven together... that there is more than enough... and that all there is to do is to Love.
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing how much freedom we have to love one another when we finally stop condemning their beliefs. I just recently was reconciled to a highschool friend of mine. In highschool she was jahova witness and i was an evangelical christain. We use to try to save each other and then get fusterated. We just recently talked about how the religious differences strained our relationship. We regret the missed out time of our relationship. We both had hard time growing up and could of used the friendship from each other. We are now at different places in our faiths. She is now an atheist and I still identity as christain but not like the mainstream. I am proud of her beliefs. Her being willing and able to question her beliefs and use her mind. And how the beliefs don't stop her from loving me.
ReplyDeleteAmy, darling, I LOVE it!!! You Rock!! & apparently, you're rolling quite well w/JC, too :D
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said & presented!! & very noticeably, from your heart!! ♥ ♥
I especially love your ending, "All my life I have sought an understanding of God and a relationship with God, and that search has brought me here - to love. I choose love" And ever since 'knowing' you, that love has been quite apparent!!!
The only thing I would change is in caps here: "I think we can all learn much from Jesus and the many other wise men AND WOMEN that have gone before us and are with us now." You gotta allow for a place for Yourself in that group :D
HUGS,
Andy
Simply breathtaking post. It's so difficult to live your truth when others might strongly disagree, but you're on such a beautiful journey! You've removed the limits on God/love/Universe/spirituality and, I believe, that's when the adventure really begins. You're no longer held by the chains of religion but, instead, you can love for love's sake. No agenda. No guilt or fear or pressure that comes with the bondage of religion. You simply...love.
ReplyDeleteYou all are so wonderfully affirming! Thank you! The journey has just become amazingly easier for me. Until this post, I didn't realize that I was still "pretending" to be someone I am not. I now feel the freedom to live my authentic self, whoever that may be. Yay!
ReplyDeleteAnd to Andy, you are ABSOLUTELY right! I should have added "and women." That just shows you how ingrained patriarchal thinking still is in me. Gotta work on that. ;)
It's like you read my mind and wrote it all down better than I could ever say.
ReplyDeleteThanks Noel! It really was a big challenge for me to write it all out, but it helped me to clarify a lot of what I believe at the same time. I also felt like it was something I needed to do before the end of 2011, to get myself in position for 2012.
ReplyDeleteI liked the part when God said I have not changed. Your understanding of me has. This! I was Jehovahs Witness. I was dedicated and baptized. I thought that I could not be pagan since I cannot undo the baptism. But I rededicated myself to my changed understanding of the Divine - Goddess.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Buddhagan! Our intention is what's important. The past is over and we must live in the present. Blessings to you. :)
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